I don't want to be Gideon!

I haven't really felt much like sharing lately, but today I feel like writing. A lot has happened in the last couple of months.  Almost three months ago, I moved to a little more permanent place here in FL, which has been such a huge blessing. But along with that comes a deeper sense that the road ahead is a bit longer than anyone had originally expected or planned. Some days I feel like new lungs are just a heartbeat away. Other days I feel like we are no closer to new lungs than we were last September. Many days I wake up feeling unsettled for reasons that I can't pinpoint. In the beginning there were so many "signs" and "symbols" from God showing us that we were doing the right thing, moving in the right direction. Now that we are here, I have begun to second guess those things. Then, God goes and does something huge! In one month, three of my Jacksonville transplant world friends have received double lung transplants. Robin, my very closest transplant friend, received her new lungs after many years of waiting. Beverly got a second transplant after her first one started to deteriorate for her. Manny received his lungs in the nick of time. In their transplants, I have seen God work. I have seen three people, three families who waited patiently, knowing that God would send them what they needed. But for me, He used their stories to give me a look at what getting a transplant can be like. He knows that I have to see; I have to know. I can build up a situation in my mind to be so much scarier than it could ever be in real life. I can manufacture fear and anxiety from the smallest things. Recently, Alan Scott preached about Gideon and how God uses messed up people. He talked about how God gave Gideon signs because Gideon needed those to be able to move forward. He also talked about how trusting in God means that we have to have faith even without those signs. God totally took Gideon out of his comfort zone and put him into an impossible situation so that He could be totally glorified in Gideon's actions. (Alan, I hope I didn't miss the point of that message!) I want more than anything for God to be glorified in this, but I do worry about what that means for me.  And then I feel terrible! I have seen where we've come from; I have seen God work in others lives here. I have no reason to fear, but still I want to do this my way. Because certainly my way is less painful and lengthy. But every day I come a little more to the realization that hanging on to my way is silly. We only have what we have because God gives it to us, and if He wants it, He's going to take it anyway. So, why not surrender? Easy enough right? Yeah, not so much! I still struggle with why God would want us to go through any of this when He can make it all go away without a single word. I still want to make it about me. But, I am getting there. For now, I will keep wrestling with God to truly know Him and understand Him.