Is it bad to be almost 30 and have no idea what I want to do with my life?

Yesterday I took the first (tiny) proactive step towards figuring out what my next career should be.  I looked up "patient advocate" and "lobbyist" on the internet.  And they both sounded a little scary, so I turned off my laptop.  Here's the problem, most of the really smart people I know have master's and doctoral degrees.  And since I have neither, I feel woefully unqualified to do anything. At all.  I don't have any qualms about returning to school to get a higher degree, but I can't, for the life of me, figure out what I want to do. It's like being 8 all over again.  Only when you're 8, it's cute to want to be a professional shopper one day and a whale trainer at Sea World the next (even if you can't swim!).  But, when you're almost 30, it tends to make you look wishy-washy.  Also, it feels very selfish to think about walking away from a stable job with good income and great benefits when people I know are losing jobs they like.  And it's not that I hate my job, either.  There are parts that I love.  But I feel like there are crucial parts of my personality that are neglected.  And I know that no job will every be perfect.  So, I find myself making deals with God - "if you drop a job in my lap that I can do from home making $60K a year with health and retirement benefits, I'll take it" or "if you just put someone in my path to offer me the job of a lifetime, I'll take it".  It's all out of fear! I know in my heart that I want to make a move, but my head has convinced me that I need to be pragmatic.  All of this keeps me from trusting God to show me what I am really meant to be doing and what my next steps are.  I am trying not to feel guilty that this is hard for me because I know there are other people out there in the same situation.  I am so fortunate to have never had to really look for a job or work for what I wanted, but it has made me soft :)  I'll keep on praying for courage and guidance and keep on working towards this goal and hoping that I don't get in my own way.

Prayer - it ain't a one time thing

PUSH - Pray Until Something Happens.  We've all seen those bracelets/bumper stickers/bible covers.  And the cynic in me bristles when I see it! Sorry.  Just being honest.  Here's why I dislike it - the slogan oversimplifies something so vital and complicated.  Not that prayer itself is a complicated procedure, but it's purpose in our lives is multifaceted.  We pray before we eat; we pray before Bible study; we pray after Bible study; we pray for the sick/hurting/lost.  But prayer is so much more than just that.  I have discovered that prayer is a near constant thing in my life lately.  Sometimes I have to pray about every 10 seconds over my attitude!  I can't even count the number of times that I asked God to heal me, each time wondering if He heard me, or if I just didn't have enough faith for God to actually be able to heal me.  But looking back, I really think that God was using that time in my life to teach me to TRUST that He would heal me; it just may not be when I expected it.  When I spent three weeks in the hospital, I prayed all the time for everything - patience (be careful with that one!), healing, strength, wisdom for my doctor, wisdom for me, to learn whatever lesson God was trying to teach me, for my lungs to heal, to gain weight(yeah, I said GAIN) - you name it, I prayed it.  And something did actually begin to happen - I had PEACE.  Whoa. That was a new one for me. I am a worrier by nature; I feel like worrying gives me a sense of preparedness.  If I worry about everything, I can never, ever be blindsided by anything.  And I totally bought that lie I had sold myself.  I had completely missed that God was always there with me as I was asking God where He was in all this.  I had missed it because I didn't look for Him.  And that is what I learned by praying whenever I feel scared/happy/directionless/angry/restless/empty... Praying, for me, has become as simple as thanking God for letting me wake up in the morning.  But it has also been as complicated as having to come to Him saying "I don't even have any idea what to pray today, Lord, but I know it's something because my heart feels all stirred up and 'magenta'(as Blanche Devereaux would say)."

Beginnings

There is a line in the movie Hope Floats  that goes "beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most".  I can certainly attest to beginnings being scary! As a self described adventurous person, I despise change.  I like status quo, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.  I love my house in the suburban area that I have lived in since I was 11.  I like that I teach in the same school district that I attended grades 6-12.  I like that I have friends that I have known since middle school.  I even order the same flavor ice cream at Baskin Robbins every single time and have since I was little - pralines and cream.  But from time to time, I get this powerful restlessness that I can't ever explain or figure out.  And I discovered that it isn't change I despise; it's change that I have no control over that I can't handle.  I am a control freak.  I know. It's hard to admit it.  But it's so true.  When God brings me to changes or new situations, I spend a great deal of energy trying to get around it.  Recently though, God brought me to my knees, literally, when I spent three weeks in the hospital after 6 months of wrestling with being sick.  I refused to slow down, but God brought me to a place where I had no choice but to stop.  Through that illness, He has shown me that there is some change in store for my future and that I needed to be still and listen.  This is the beginning of a new journey for me.  I have no idea where it will take me or what will happen along the way.  I only know that I have God leading and my family and friends walking beside me.  I am spending time rebuilding and redefining my life.  I have NO IDEA what I am doing, but I am learning that it is okay not to be in control.