Clearing fog

First of all, I want to say a HUGE thank you to Maureen Goodwin for "shamelessly" plugging my new blog.  I love her dearly and she is the one who spurred me on to do this.  SO, I hope I can live up to the hype :)

I am leaving the hospital today after another 12 day stay.  Whoo hoo!  I HOPE this will be the last one for a while.  Dr. McKean is confident that he has found the source of the trouble and that I will be good as almost new very soon.  I can honestly say that I finally feel like the fog has started to clear in my life - not just the mystery of why I have been so sick but also the fog that has been clouding my ability to see God's hand in my life.  I think I have said before that I am a DOER.  In my heart I know that God is really big and can work through anything, but in my head, I feel like it's my job to do everything humanly possible to help Him.  How silly of me to think that He who created the universe and everything it in, from the largest piece of rock to the most intricate of animals, would possibly benefit from my help in anyway!  I can count on one hand the times in my life when I have known so securely that God is totally in control of my life, not because He hasn't always been but because I'm pretty stubborn.  I always have a plan, sometimes two or three plans.  I explained it to my Nonnie - my grandmother and kindred spirit - like this: I feel like I am constructing this house of cards.  Each card requires very careful planning and extremely cautious execution.  If I plan for all contingencies, I can keep my house of cards standing even when some of them start to fall down.  This time, God blew up my house of cards with no warning!  I had no time to plan for what I would do if... But, that's where God wanted to me.  I am perfectly content to keep trucking away on my life the way it is even though I don't totally love everything I'm doing. But, God wants so much more than just what I am capable of doing all by myself.  My dad has said several times in the last 8 months that he feels like God has something big for me, and I have been really hesitant to believe that.  What do I have to offer?!  I struggle to believe that I have anything great to say, do, or be.  I'm just me.  Plus, I feel like I have all these obstacles that God has to overcome to be able to use me.  Oh DUH - God already knows about those and they are anything BUT obstacles to God.   I am still hatching a plan in my head of what I want to do and what I want to be.  And it is entirely possible that those plans won't ever be anything real, but I am much more at peace with allowing God to guide my steps even in the fog than I ever have been before.  I have no idea what the next step is or when it will come.  But, Dustin and I are praying about it and doing things that we know we can to be prepared for our lives to change.  I won't say it isn't scary because that would be a lie.  I start to think of all the details and I get totally overwhelmed.  I just know that no matter what lies ahead, God is there in it with me and even before me. And for that, I can praise Him no matter what the weather :)